Kids these days need to learn about anal

By Drew

Since the age of fifteen I have been afraid of my butthole falling out.

I don’t think this is a standard fifteen-year-old issue, but it was for me. I didn’t know anything about gay sex other than “it’s bad” – so, I googled why.

I was coming to terms with being gay and what I wanted as a gay dude, and all I got was a screen full of prolapsed assholes. Things like that tend to stick with you for a while.

Sex-ed taught me nothing about sex. The definitive learning moment for everyone I have talked to was putting condoms on those novelty dick bananas, but beyond that, where do I go? What do I do after I put it on? I had zero clue. My education peaked just before shit actually started to get real.

Actual SEX EDUCATION is something that should be taken a lot more seriously than it currently is.

Out of four years of high school sex-ed, the only mention of gay stuff came in the form of a VHS on paedophiles that ended in a ‘kid rap’ singing “body parts are cool”.

I don’t know why gay stuff wasn’t mentioned more – maybe because kids think it’s a joke, or maybe because teachers don’t want to give them the “wrong” idea. All we got was a brief aside that, uh, sometimes people have anal.

So it’s really no surprise that my first time was a flop. Everything I had learnt so far had come from chatrooms and pornos and my plan of attack was “dick goes in hole”, and say ‘fuck yeah’. I kneeled into a squat and my legs cramped up as soon as it went in. I was rigid and clasping my inner thighs and I ended up looking like a singing, dancing wall-mounted fish.

MOST OF MY MALE ESCAPADES ended up as a kind of zany learning experience. The amount of times I’ve done things with guys and said dang “dicks can do that?” is pretty wild. I once saw a dick bend sideways and I was in no way prepared.

Ever tried giving head to a horizontal curve? It’s like a fight scene from the Matrix.

I’ve talked before about the absurdly sexual climate of the gay community; it’s obsessed with sex. The standard way to meet dudes is through apps. We have millions. Scruff, Grindr, Blendr, GROWLr, Jack’d, Hornet, Adam4adam, Dandy.

How was I prepared for the veritable Thunderdome of sexual encounters that were on offer?

Teachers handing out pop quizzes on the pros and cons of the reverse cowgirl wouldn’t really work out and I can’t see parents dealing with homework for “sucking dick 101”, or having “The In’s and Out’s of Gloryholes” on the reading list.

It would all be a bit much to swallow. To be honest, I wouldn’t want my teacher to talk to me about it – they were all kind of old and weird.

In my ideal world kids would be given a boring, car manual-esque book on all the things you’d need to know about sex. Something so dull-looking that you wouldn’t be worried about all the intense stuff it’d contain.

I wanted a book that told me the sixty weird shapes of a vagina without the embarrassment of it looking like a book about sex; something that treated intimacy issues like car troubles. “Why does my boyfriend cry when he fucks me? – turn to page 197, paragraph iv”.

Sadly I don’t have the breadth of knowledge or attention span to write my dream sex tome. But if I could impart some brief wisdom from the future unto my past self it would be this:

• HAVING SEX IS HARD WORK. I don’t know why nobody told me this. If you wanna fuck like they do in porn, you’ll need a training montage worth of squats and stretches. If you get a cramp from power walking without any preparation, you’re gonna be screwed. It should be common sense.

• IF YOU GAG OUT, TAG OUT. Some dudes see people choking on their dick as an ego boost, so they’ll keep egging you on. Don’t play into it, it just ends in puke. Porn stars have training. You don’t. Vomit can, and will happen. You’ll never live down the bile once it’s up, and that’s that.

• LUBE IS NOT A MYTH, it’s a friend. No matter what you see online you can’t just jam it in. It’s like slamming a brick into a pencil sharpener. Something’s gonna break; probably won’t be the brick.. Sex shouldn’t hurt. In general, anal should have a slow progression leading up to it and lube should be there every step of the way. It even comes in different flavours. Anything that will make sex easier and smoother will make your life better.

These three points would’ve taught me more than four years of schooling did. It would’ve changed my life. I’ve seen a lot of crap going around about how much porn affects the sexual expectations of straight kids, but man, think of the gay ones.

Face it. If kids are learning more from the Pizza Man/Plumber than they are in their five years of sexual education, then there’s something wrong. Get with the programme, bro-gramme.

It was only at age twenty, while writing this article, that I discovered my fears were misplaced. After five long years I have finally been swept with a sea of calm. Rectal prolapse is most common in elderly women and learning this made me feel genuinely better about my future.

Eat shit, ladies.

No matter how good this news is however, it still proves my point. As a gay child I was freaking out about something that should worry women in the 50+ demographic, and that’s a little messed up.

It just makes me want to pull a Cher, turn back time, slap my teacher in the face and say “I’m sorry, ma’am, but your kids need to learn about anal.”