Inspired by my string of infamously chaotic relationships, TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’ and about 3 good bottles of red, I set off on a quest to find myself an authentic, real-life fuckboy. Maybe I wanted to find out what makes these arseholes tick, or maybe I just wanted to show the world how difficult dating can be in 2015 for a straight girl in her 20’s (we know this is a queer site but come one, we’re all in this together).

But in researching this piece I found that everyone knew what a fuckboy was and no one knew what a fuckboy was. There’s a certain mystique around these magical misogynists. They know what they do is fucking stupid, we know it’s fucking stupid, yet we still sleep with them and excuse their bad behaviour. Every bad boyfriend or fuckhead we know is a fuckboy, but is every fuckboy a bad boyfriend and fuckhead? These are questions I wanted answered.

Chris* (not his real name for obvious reasons) was referred to me through a friend. During the interview he swore a lot, paused a lot and spoke with a kind of inflated bad boy gruff that made me think of every jock-joke I’d ever encountered, not only in my own schooling but in every terrible teenage rom com. He’s 22, and Centrelink thinks he’s studying.

Chris promised me he’ll read this and I hope he does because Chris, you are a fucking loser.

PS: stop texting me.

First of all, just roughly, can you explain to me what your idea of a fuckboy is? Just to make sure we’re on the same page.

I think a lot of people have different ideas on what a fuckboy is. I originally just thought it meant someone who was a shallow shitcunt who womanised and is just generally good looking enough to get away with having no personality and just being a fuckwit. But it’s sort of progressed into being a specific demographic of person.

Like swag faggy sort of, that kinda thing. Not everyone who is a swag fag is a fuckboy, but you get the idea.

You could prescribe the personality traits to people that I wouldn’t necessarily call fuckboys. There’s a certain demographic of people that could walk down the street and you could look at them and see that they were a fuckboy just by the way they are dressed.

When did you first realise you were a fuckboy?

I guess I realised last year. I don’t know. I just cheated on my girlfriend a lot. This one girl she knew I had a girlfriend and she called me a fuckboy and I was like yeah man, I guess I am. What are you gunna do about it.

Chicks are always bitching about fuckboys and how they hate them, so calling myself one was great because later down the track when they get pissed off about fucking whatever, I can say I told you from the start. I’m a fuckboy.

Where do you look for girls? What’s your hunting ground?

Pretty much just out hey. Fuck meeting up with any girl who thinks it’s going to be serious shit, you know?

So, do you use tinder a fair bit?

Ah, little bit. Tinder kinda sucks. Usually it’s about finding drunk bitches. Yeah, drunk bitches are easier. Tinder girls are too fucking stuck up. Too much hard work. Fuck them.

Okay you’re in the club and you see some drunk bitches that are just your type. What’s your strat to get them?

I don’t really have to go for bitches. They kinda come to me. I’m pretty good looking, let’s be honest, so I just get out on the dance floor and grab bitches and yeah, it’s easy. I don’t know why people find it so hard. Most girls are sluts in my experience so it’s not difficult.

Blondes or brunettes?

Both.

Indiscriminate?

Depends on the girl I recon. It’s kind of a weird science. I think about it a lot actually.

You think about that a lot — what do you think about that?

I don’t know just some girls look better blonde some look better brunette.

What are some things that would make you immediately go up and talk to a girl? What do you look for? What’s your calling card look like?

She’s gotta be skinny, but good ass and don’t really care about tits that much. Ass is more important.

She’s gotta have that booty right.

Yeah she’s gotta be hot, let’s be honest. Booty is the tits of 2015, not even 2015, the last five years. No one cares about tits anymore. Booty is where it’s at.

Have you ever been in love?

I don’t know. Not really. Yeah. It doesn’t bother me that much. When shit fucks up I don’t really care that much. So maybe not. Who knows.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you haven’t cheated on your girlfriend?

Not once.

What makes you cheat? Is it because you get bored? Or is it just because you can?

Both. Just fuck. Man, it’s boring being in a relationship. Fuck that. FUCK THAT. Cheating is fun, you never get caught. It’s easy.

What do you do to make sure you never get caught?

You just fuck girls that don’t matter and you don’t tell anyone. It’s not hard.

Do you ever take girls on dates? For example, you see a super hot girl outside of the club and there’s a bit of expectation for you to put some effort in — do you do that?

Yeaaaaah but only if I think it’s not going to happen if I don’t do that. Some girls on tinder are like that. Thats why tinder is a pain in the ass. You can’t even say Netflix and chill anymore because too many fucking people said that and now you can’t fucking say it. It’s gay.

Say you do have to take the girl out and wine and dine her a little bit, who pays for the date? Do you pay?

Umm. I don’t generally wine and dine cause she expects you to pay for it and then if you don’t pay for it you look like a dick. I try to do things where we can just both pay for ourselves. Like, hmm, what even do I do? I pretty much just drink to be honest.

Do you do drugs as well?

Yeah fuck, who doesn’t?

What’s your average weekend like? Talk me through the weekend of a fuckboy?

Aw man. I guess pretty much every weekend is the same hey. Start drinking on a Friday afternoon to get in the mood and then just bulk MDMA, just constantly, all weekend.

Fucking problem with that though is sometimes it’s hard to fuck chicks when you get to like 4 in the morning and you’re half a gram in and you can’t fuck anything cause your dick is just a shrivelled up little piece of, I don’t know, shit.

But yeah, just go out every night really. Smoke crack in the mornings to keep you up all day so you can keep partying. That’s it pretty much.

I don’t really work hey so I just keep partying into the week really and then by the time I’ve recovered from that it’s time for the weekend again. Fuck yeah Centrelink.

Do you do this with the same sort of people? Do you have a squad?

Oh yeah, there’s the fucking boys. Every time. There’s fuckwits you meet up and stuff but you know, who really likes them?

What do you recon about Drake’s new song Hotline Bling?

Fucking hate that song hey.

What songs do you get turnt up to?

Just like Trap and that, you know.

What’s your go-to pick up lines when you’re in the club? Is there anything you use that works every time?

Who uses pick up lines anymore, jesus. What’s wrong with you? Fuck.

Do you think you’ll ever get married?

Fuck no, and fuck having kids.

Do you think it’s a commitment phobia thing? Is that a part of it?

Yeah but fuck letting bitches take my shit. Fuck that. Fucking the law says fucking no matter what happens if I have kids and I have a fucking wife we’re gonna split up, it’s gonna fucking happen and then I’ll lose all my shit and be some bitter old man. Fuck that.

Do you have friends that are girls?

Yeah.

Because you sound quite misogynistic.

I guess yeah. I don’t know a girl that’s not a slut. Do you? Probably not. We give them shit the ones we know but they’re alright.

Do you find that girls fall in love with you a lot? Or get super intense?

I used to. I’m pretty good at making them know it’s not going to happen now. Found that balance. You gotta find a balance where they still sort of think something might happen but at the same time they get pretty quickly that it ain’t gonna.

How many girls do you think you sleep with in a week?

New ones, maybe 1 or 2? But through the week it can be a different one every day. But you gotta build that shit up, it doesn’t just happen.

What about when it comes to sex. What are you into? What gets you off?

I don’t know man I’m usually drunk. As long as you’ve got bitches, who really cares what she wants? You know what I’m saying? It’s always good for the dude, fuck it.

Do you get slapped a lot?

People are pussys, no one slaps anyone anymore. If a girl slaps me I’ll fucking slap her back.

Do you get into fights a lot with guys?

Not really. No one wants to fight anyone these days. People are pussys.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Well my DJ’ing is going pretty good so that’ll probably take-off. I don’t know, doing the same thing I guess.

What advice do you have for girls who are seeing guys like you, or are interested in guys like you, and they think they can change them? And they want them to maybe settle down and shit?

Go fuck yourself.

What about your Mother — do you have a good relationship with her?

Yeah I love my Mum. Fuck. What sort of question is that? What’s my relationship with my Mum like. Why are you asking some kind of fucking weird shit?

I’m just wondering. You seem to treat women as though they are disposable so—

Yeah but that’s bitches. That’s not my Mum.

Do you think there’s still a possibility that a girl might come into your life and make you change your ways?

Yeaaaaah. She’d have to be pretty sick but. Maybe.