Is bigger always better? The curse of the massive dick

By Roland Taureau

I was sitting around with my Taylor Swift Posse the other day, talking about sex as usual, when an interesting topic arose. A poor friend of mine, we’ll call him Harry, was lamenting the state of his new relationship.

“My boyfriend won’t let me fuck him”, Harry complained.

“Why not?!” probed the group, in a manner befitting his initial whinge.

“My dick’s too big” he replied.

Harry’s explanation was met with a moment of confused silence.

Realistically, this seemed akin to whinging about having too much money or being too good looking. Having an enormous cock, according to society, is tantamount to having won the Penile Powerball, and was hardly going to elicit any sympathy.

“It’s happened before!” Harry continued, “Guys have just refused to have sex with me because it’s too big. But I really like this one!”

“So…let him fuck you?” I ventured.

At this point Harry sunk back in his chair and, lip trembling, confessed that he’d always been a top and “didn’t think he’d enjoy” being fucked in the ass.

My brow furrowed, eyes rolled and a moment of silence took us once again.

Happily, another of our group, a notorious bottom named Brad, soon alleviated the awkwardness. “I get that,” he admitted. “Bigger isn’t always better. In fact, there are pretty stringent limits to what I’m willing (and able) to accommodate.”

Brad’s admission brought up an incredibly interesting question that we, self-styled the Goonbag Think Tank (GBTT), spent the next hour or so debating: Is bigger always better?

“We’re certainly led to believe it is” offered Luis, another of our brethren who likes to wear his ass on his sleeve.

I saw his point. There are, after all, websites devoted to enormous penises. There are exclusive clubs that only men of a certain size are allowed to join, there are surveys published every year that keep men – gay and straight – on our toes, fumbling with rulers and measuring tapes to double and triple check that we at least fall within the margins of the average global dick-size.

Not to mention the countless hours of porn – again, both gay and straight – that glorify the well-endowed as kings presiding over a court of salivating, (seemingly) self-lubricating supplicants.

In theory, having a massive shlong should surpass both brains and beauty when considering a potential mate. Nonetheless, it would seem that poor Harry was suffering a mean form of reverse discrimination so, making our way around the table, we decided to get to the bottom of things.

Behavioural Issues

For Steve, a vers guy in our posse, the issue with dudes with massive cocks is predominantly behavioural.

“Unfortunately,’ Steve explains, “Many of them seem sociologically programmed to think that their penis size is far more important than it is. I’ve been with guys who clearly think their dick emits a kind of gravitational field – much like the Sun – that, when unleashed, pulls anything in its immediate vicinity into a hypnotising orbit.”

Mike, another member of the GBTT, has observed “…a recurring facial anomaly” during his encounters with our excessively-endowed compatriots, that he has termed Big Dick Face (BDF).

BDF, as the name would suggest, is the face that guys with huge cocks get when they finally get around to unbuttoning.

We’ve all seen it. The pants come off, the dick comes out and, all of sudden, a strange expression spreads across the offending countenance. It’s an unusual amalgamation of a smirk and a leer, that oozes the phrase ‘You’re welcome’.

“Sometimes BDF can be sexy”, Mike opines. “Confidence is a turn on!”

The problem is, we decide, that the phenomenon is often accompanied by a range of other symptoms, including painful arrogance, severe laziness and extraordinary sexual selfishness.

It’s as if the sheer effort of unfurling a penis of such gargantuan magnitude leaves its owner in a state of erection-induced paralysis, whereby he is no longer able to focus on his surroundings, so decides to just lay there and be worshiped like some kind of fleshy Totem pole.

It should be mentioned that Harry has been nervously absorbing these observations, in an effort to ensure that he isn’t one of the offenders that we so cynically describe. The fact that he and Mike used to date does nothing to help the situation…

These symptoms give rise to a dilemma within the sexual dynamic because, to employ a vehicular metaphor, there’s not much point investing in a Hummer if you don’t know how to drive. Sure, you can take it out of the garage, and the neighbours might ooh and ahh for a while, but eventually they’ll get tired of the spectacle and take off in their well-insured, average-sized vehicles that run like a dream. And you’ll be left begging for a lift.

“The rule is”, Mike summarises, “If you’re finding your hefty piece of machinery difficult to operate, either leave it in the garage, or get some driving lessons.”

Logistical issues

“Nonetheless”, Brad reminds us, “in the event that one does encounter a guy with a massive dick, with full use of his facial muscles and some skill behind the wheel, there are still going to be logistical difficulties to deal with when it comes to intercourse.”

I can’t help but concur.

Let’s be honest, being fucked in the ass really just feels like you’re taking a shit backwards. And, generally speaking, guys with massive dicks seem to feel that they have a licence to top at all times, which pretty much presents the sexual equivalent of maintaining an erection while being perpetually constipated. It’s not a nice feeling. It’s uncomfortable at best and, at worst, quite painful.

Now I can practically hear the global community of bottoms crying a collective ‘Nooooo!’ at the notion that anal intercourse is anything other than pure sexual nirvana, which I accept as a perspective contrary to my own.

But I do maintain that, despite every porn movie that’s ever been made sending the subliminal message that having a veritable tree trunk inserted into your ass amounts to 7-90 minutes of rectal bliss, even the most obliging orifice has its limits.

Sure, some guys like having a massive penis inside them. But for a great many of us (at least at the GBTT) an oversized wiener is far from a turn on.

As Steve puts it, “Sometimes you come across a cock that’s way too large. The size doesn’t necessarily cause me pain – although I have had that – but it’s no better than a smaller penis with a perfect shape. Curve and angle can make a big difference when a guy’s fucking me. My ex wasn’t a huge guy, but for some reason the way his dick pointed when he was hard just fitted me perfectly”

I guess the moral of the story is this: while that Hummer probably looks great on TV, it might be a bitch to get in the driveway.

Sometimes you’re better off with a Smart Car – you can park them pretty much anywhere.