We categorised and rated a bunch of dumb tweets about Lemonade

By Joseph Earp

Sometimes the internet is a nourishing, intensely positive place – an arena in which human kindness can be acknowledge and celebrated. The net can be used to topple dictatorships; to spread subversive messages; to resist corruption and take justice to those who need to be punished.

At other points it more closely resembles a ‘Who Can Hold The Most Abhorrent Opinion’ competition, a hate-wanking cesspool of diarrhoea-strength bullshit.

The surprise release of Beyonce’s Lemonade brought out a lot of examples of the former. However, it also brought out a lot of the latter. What follows is a few examples of the semi-racist, semi-sexist totally inane nonsense people have been spewing out on twitter over the last little while.

For ease of access, we have broken up these tweets into categories and rated them, just for you.

Category 1. The Misandry Argument.

Misandry is a real thing that people really believe really exists. Men’s Rights Activists seem convinced it is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal, perhaps not realising that it operates upon the foundations of a “you-call-me-a-mean-name-I’ll-call-you-one-too” based logic most often favoured by toddlers.

The above tweet is the finest example of the misandry argument because:

• The first tweet provides no evidence whatsoever that Lemonade is indeed “just some misandry crap”.
• The second tweet immediately proves why you shouldn’t pay attention to the first tweet, thus beautifully cancelling itself out.

For that reason, the above tweet gets an A + grade on the “Please Stop Tweeting” scale.

Category 2. The Tryhard Comedians Making Unfunny Jokes.

Whenever something as large scale as Lemonade gets dropped, a bunch of cultural vultures take it upon themselves to swoop in and use the event for clicks. I am one of those cultural vultures. That is what I am doing right now. Ari Shaffir is a cultural vulture too.

You will notice that I have not censored Shaffir’s name. This is because Shaffir is not just some random sadbody shouting things at one of the richest pop stars in the world via twitter – he’s a “comedian”, apparently quite a famous one, despite the fact his Wikipedia page contains phrases such as “commercially unsuccessful” and “too unknown” and “rejected”.

His above tweet is a work of anti-art because:

• It’s not funny.
• It completely misses the point when it comes to Lemonade, an album that is about infidelity on surface level only.
• It’s so blatantly masculine and dismissive and gross that one could be forgiven thinking the tweet was produced by Shaffir slithering his cock across the keyboard.

The above tweet scores a solid 10 on the “Sorry To Hear Your Career Is Going So Badly You Have To Resort To Unfunny Tweets About An Individual Who Will Always Remain Both Morally And Economically More Successful Than You.”

Category 3. The WTF? Tweet

Sometimes people on the internet seem so determined to say dumb, awful shit that they stop actually making sense. They transcend sense. They enter a realm that sense has no connection to. Claiming they go off with the fairies is too kind. They leave most of the fairies in the gutter. They hang out with the fairies most fairies avoid eye contact with.

In short: they go batshit crazy.

The above tweet doesn’t need a list of reasons explaining why it’s insane. It is a tweet in which a twitter user assumes that because a non-Caucasian poet helped Beyonce “craft her narrative” the narrative is racist against Caucasian people.

I mean… How do you even respond?

The above tweet measures a 99.3 on the “The Fuck Are You Saying?” scale.

Category 4. What About Game Of Thrones.

It is a rule universally acknowledged that any discussion of any subject matter online denigrates into an argument about Game Of Thrones.

Look at that mad genius. Just look at it. A television channel showing content is now akin to said television channel shoving said content down people’s throats.

You know the amazing thing about TVs?

They have an off button.

Go explore.

The above tweet gets an A-Grade on the “You Know Nothing” scale.

Category 5. Try Harder Tweets.

“Hey Shorty! I don’t know who you are, but I’ll be damned if you don’t have one helluva nickname. Just thought I’d give you a few pointers on how to criticize something in the future.

• Firstly, make sure you spell the name of the thing you are criticizing right.
• Secondly, make sure you correctly spell the name of the thing you are criticizing.
• Thirdly, learn to spell the word Lemonade.
• Fourthly, learn to spell.

At this stage you’re scoring a third grade reading level, but keep trying!”