SPIDER MAN NOT ALLOWED TO DO DRUGS OR BE GAY, ACCORDING TO SONY EXECS

By James Branson

BY HEAPS GAY STAFF

I knew there was a reason Spider Man sucked. He’s always been the least interesting character in the Marvel universe, and now we know why.

In ANOTHER SONY PICTURES LEAK (yeah, they’re still happening), it’s been revealed that Sony and Marvel film execs have a ‘mandatory Spider-man character traits’ document that set the parameters for Spidey’s personality.

Specifically, he must not smoke, take or distribute drugs and in no way is he to have sex before the age of sixteen. The guidelines also state that he must be ‘middle class’ as well as ‘Caucasian and heterosexual’.

Which really ruins everybody’s hopes of the next Peter Parker being a drug-dealing bisexual teenage pornographer. That would have been awesome