INTERVIEW: THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO BE A TRANSGENDER GUY

By James Branson

A few years back, Myles Ryder was a girl. He’d always known that something wasn’t right with his gender – that who he was inside was different to his body. But only recently has he decided to make the transition from female to male. The results are remarkable. Myles seems, on the surface, like your average guy. In fact, during the first few minutes of this interview, which was conducted by Ayla Darling with some input from James Branson, James thought Myles was born a male and was just about to start transitioning into a female. Myles is a remarkable guy, and he spoke to us about becoming who he really is.

Before you became Myles, what was your name?

Natasha – and my mum picked that name because she wanted me to be a Russian Princess! I picked Myles because I didn’t know any guys named Myles – and most of the guys I knew were dickheads!

When you were young, did you know you were a boy?

When I was really young I never really thought about it. There were times when I’d get out of the shower and pull my hair back just because I was interested in seeing how I’d look as a boy, and I thought “oh, I look kinda gross”. But then I met Gabe (a friend of Myles’ who is transgender) and I realised that it’s possible. Growing up, I can’t remember a time when I was really happy, but in the last two years [since coming out as transgender] I’ve felt really alive. For twenty years I felt dead.

It’s all about finding out who you are. There are always going to be moments of indecisiveness, and I think it’s all about finding what you’re comfortable with – whether or not it’s wearing different clothes, or hooking  up with guys or girls. You’ve gotta give yourself those little moments to just go with what you feel.

Were you sure that becoming a guy was what you wanted?

I can’t speak for everyone… but for me, I wasn’t always sure this was the right thing to do. There have been things that have scared me, but most people tell me now that I suit being a male far better than being a female. I didn’t want to be a butch lesbian. I wasn’t comfortable in that role. But as a male who is a tiny bit feminine – I’m fine with that.

Your mannerisms are pretty masculine. Can most people tell?

I only tell people if they’re curious or if they might know. I’ve had people come up to me and ask if I’m trans… most often they can tell through my eyes, so I often wear sunglasses! People pick up on my hands too. People pick up on the weirdest things.

Is it possible to change back?

I wouldn’t want that at all, and physically it would be really hard to go back. Some changes stay. If I stopped hormones now, my voice would stay the same. I would keep my facial hair – but it wouldn’t grow anymore.

Have there been any little moments when you suddenly noticed a change, and you thought “oh, that’s really cool. I’m really happy with that”?

About six months ago I started to get an Adam’s apple and broader shoulders… [but] my mental change is what blew me away the most. I think that’s when I thought “holy shit, the confidence I have now is insane!”

What is the most difficult thing about taking the hormones?

You go through puberty again. Also, I went through menopause, and it was the worst week of my life. It was fucked.

Woah. How old were you when you went through menopause?

Twenty-one!

What happens is that your testosterone and your oestrogen levels are clashing. Eventually testosterone will start dominating your body and you’ll go through menopause. So I don’t get my period any more, for example. When that’s happening, you have two very different levels of hormones, and it’s a lot for your brain to handle. That’s why it’s so important to have therapy sessions. Think about when you went through puberty – how you were just a little crazy. That’s how I was for a while, and I couldn’t understand it. Afterwards, when my testosterone levels were higher, I mellowed out. Most people thought I was going to get a bit aggressive, because before my change I was an aggressive person. But now I’m calm, I know who I am. Menopause is terrible. I was laying in a sheet, I was sweating, I had hot and cold flushes. It was the worst.

What are the biggest differences you notice between being male and female?

Actually, I understand now why men can’t cry. It’s a hormone thing… I used to cry all the time, but it takes a lot to make me cry now. I don’t get upset about little things like I used to. Also, I totally understand why men masturbate as much as they do now! I never really used to do it before I started hormones, but now, oh my god I really get it now. It just happens. You can’t help it. You just have to do it, and if you don’t you’re on edge all day! I was hanging with a bunch of guys talking about that, and they all laughed and just said “you’re alright dude, don’t worry about it!” And that’s something that girls don’t really understand.

You said that you’re not going to get bottom surgery [changing the genitals from female to male]… why not?

It’s $150,000. I’d lose skin from my arm and the back of my legs. And they put a pump in that give me an erection. I don’t think that’s going to be the sexiest thing – getting into bed and having to say “hold on, I just gotta pump it up!”

So the problem is the technology, rather than your desire to have a dick?

Yeah, I guess. I’m pretty happy with my junk right now though. You have no idea how big my clit is right now, it’s ridiculous.

Woah! So, obviously I don’t want to look at it, but what are the changes? I have an innie… do you have an outie now?

Basically, it’s a very large version of an outie. I first saw what [the genitals of someone on hormones looked like] in a book at a sex shop. And it really scared me. But now I don’t even care.

Now that your a man, is it nice to have that physical change?

I’ve just never really had a problem with [my genitals]. My main issue was with my chest. I always wanted to just go swimming [as a guy]. Every trans person has different reasons for transitioning. I just present better as a male. I feel better as a male. What’s in my pants doesn’t matter. Whoever I end up spending my life with will have to be fine with it. You’ve gotta find what you’re comfortable with. Some guys really want to have bottom surgery, but it’s not a prerequisite for my transition. But if there was to come a time when it would be cheaper and the surgery would be better, then yeah, I’d probably think about it. But it’s a scary step, because – what if I don’t like it?

Is it more sensitive now?

100%

Is it easier to cum now? 

Yeah.

Oh my god, fuck you. I’m so jealous. So talk me through the process of transforming from a girl to a boy…

You go to your doctor, and you discuss with them where you’re at. Usually you’ll have no idea where to start though. There are lots of forums – on Facebook especially – with guys from all around the world. I ended up meeting others who would talk to me about it.

There’s one doctor in Sydney most people see in order to get their hormones. You have sessions with him in order to evaluate whether or not you’re capable of handling what’s about to happen mentally. If anything, you’re at risk of destroying yourself. You’ll go through your childhood, talk about your childhood, remembering smells and sounds… just to figure out where your head’s at. I had twelve sessions in total. There’s often a risk that it could be a bipolar thing – that you’re just compulsive. At the time, I was thinking “why do I need a doctor to tell me who I am?” But once I started doing it, I understood that sometimes people do strange things for attention. So when I started doing sessions with this guy, I fucking hated him. But eventually, I understood why he was doing this. It wasn’t until my mum came to my last session that I was given a referral to start taking hormones. My mum, at that stage, was really worried. But after she spoke to him she understood that I was actually a boy.

The main question is whether or not you’re mentally capable of handling it, but also whether or not you have stable family support, if you have a decent job – because it costs a lot of money. There are no subsidies. So you really need to be ready for it. At the time, I thought I was ready, but there was so much to take on. The highest rate of suicide is among gay and trans people, and it’s usually because they’ve been rejected from their homes and don’t have an income. So those things are very important. You also need to be sure that you’re going to go through with the transformation.

So are there people who stop halfway through?

I’ve met people who have done that. Or who’ve started it, and weren’t ready at the time. So they’ve had to start again another time.

You want to have a female partner – do you foresee that as being difficult?

I think it’s just what they’re comfortable with. I’ve met a lot of straight girls, and I’ve slept with straight girls. Once they get to know me, they realise that it’s not about just the physical side.

Is it physically difficult to have sex?

No. Once you’ve made a connection with somebody, you just go with it. I just want to be connected with them, and I feel like women have such a mental connection in sex. I think the sexiest thing you can do with someone is just appreciate their body in the bedroom, and people forget that. I’ve had sex with a couple of girls, who at first were [a bit weirded out], but afterwards they were like “oh that’s really good sex!”

Are you only attracted to straight girls?

There’s no boundaries! All girls. I think I find it hard to meet people that want to be with me. Of course people are intrigued by me. But finding that right person is going to be a bit harder for me. I have met a girl – She is one of the incredible humans I’ve met. She’s straight but she likes me. Sometimes labels need to be eliminated – you just do what you do.

When you meet a straight girl and you like them, do you worry about revealing that you’re trans?

Yeah. I met a girl recently, and I gave her my number, didn’t say anything. We kissed, and I was pretty drunk, so I told her – and she didn’t really care at all. She valued me as a person. If someone I want to see doesn’t like the fact that I’m trans, well… that’s their loss.

So currently, what are the legal challenges you face when fighting to be recognised as a man?

I need to have been on hormones for 12 months. I need to have had a hysterectomy. And you usually  need to have had chest surgery as well [breast removal]. Then you can have your gender changed on your birth certificate.

What do people in the trans community want changed as far as that’s concerned?

We want it to be based just on our hormones. I’m a dude. I don’t think I need to have all these forms to be recognised as a guy. It should be simple. I don’t think the government should be involved in anything to do with my gender. I think having one set way of doing things for such a variety of people is really fucked. Because everyone is different.