Alain de Botton: Love, Sex And Marriage Equality

By Samuel Leighton-Dore

Of all the carefully rehearsed thoughts, observations and questions one might choose to pose upon meeting one of their literary heroes, I had to settle on: “God, I just took a Valium.”

Fortunately, Alain de Botton has a good sense of humour, and, as he reminds me, knows “a little about anxiety”.

Despite being shot a panicked what-the-hell-have-you-done? look from an otherwise lovely publicist seated nearby, my interview with de Botton recovers from my nervous stumble. I introduce myself as a longtime fan of his writing – my father gifted me his first novel, Essay on Love, when I was eighteen – and mention how thoroughly I enjoyed his recent talk at the Sydney Opera House, where he was promoting his latest book, The Course of Love.

He is warm and engaged.

Precisely as I hoped he would be.

I suspect Alain’s writing has always fascinated me so much because, as someone who struggles with an unenviable list of mental health problems, I find the romanticism of love and relationships somewhat difficult to navigate. The notion of being held captive by a particular thought, feeling or impulse is one that resonates deeply with me – and the idea that, given the right resources, one might be able to introduce a more manageable psychological framework to their relationships is well worth the cost of a $29.00 paperback.

A renegade of romance, this concept of developing a more conscious vision of love is a running theme in much of de Botton’s work.

And there’s lots of work.

Aside from his many books, regularly updated website, and YouTube channel, Alain has recently founded The School of Life – an ambitious international network offering classes, workshops and events focused on developing emotional intelligence. After a successful pop-up event earlier this year (where I attended an incredibly insightful How to make love last class) The School of Life is about to launch its ongoing residence on Castlereagh Street in Sydney’s CBD.

During our thirty-minute chat, Alain and I cover subjects including love, relationships, sex, and marriage equality. We also attempt to debunk some of the more damaging romantic myths which continue to plague our social media landscape.

Considering his latest novel, The Course of Love, follows the occasionally mundane struggles of a modern day marriage (think dirty laundry and heated arguments over glasswear in IKEA), de Botton has plenty to say on the perceived pinnacle of romantic love. During his talk at the Sydney Opera House last week, he struck a chord with audience members by musing that marriage is “like a cage” that we “voluntarily lock ourselves into and throw away the key” as way of encouraging growth, maturity and commitment.

With marriage equality yet to be legalised in Australia, I’m curious as to alternative methods for same-sex couples to achieve the same level of emotional resolution in their long-term relationships.

“I think marriage means very different things for a gay or lesbian couple.” Alain says.

“It will mean a lot of the same things as a heterosexual couple, but it carries the additional meaning of equality and full societal acceptance. I there is something incredibly pejorative about the idea that a gay couple might not want to be married.”

“There’s a forgotten prestige, there’s a societal prestige of marriage, and therefore if anyone in society is denied that prestige, that’s a very acute issue. But it’s not spoken about in the heterosexual world because people have always been allowed to get married, I think the heterosexual community maybe forgets how deeply important it is to put love in all its configurations on the same platform.”

Another of his relational anecdotes suggests that love should be viewed as a set of skills, not just an enthusiasm; that humans share an inherent unwillingness to work on improving their relationships once they begin to go pear-shaped.

“Too often we don’t think there’s anything we can consciously do to make our relationships better. If they’re starting to go wrong, we just think that love has died, that love is this volcanic force within us and nothing can be done to make it grow or shrink.” He says.

“If suddenly sex goes off the boil, we think that’s just how it is – rather than really thinking about desire. The way desire works, there are lots of reasons behind it and people will become unable to have sex with one another if other things are not in place, or if there’s a background of anger or bitterness.”

“Becoming more psychological in relationships seems to be key, but not often spoken about.”

Sensing that I’m at the risk of turning our conversation into a personal counseling session, I finally decide to present Alain with my collection of inspirational love memes; meticulously compiled from my very own Facebook timeline.

You see, social media is surely one of the greatest perpetrators of the very same entrenched romanticism and unrealistic “relationship goals” Alain warns of in his work. Our news feeds are constantly littered with romantic quotes set against sunset backgrounds and filter-happy selfies taken in exotic holiday locations.

So I wanted to find out whether these loved-up lines of wisdom carried any philosophical weight.

“So dangerous,” de Botton laughs.

“A lot of these things are sentimental, and what is sentimentality? It’s not wanting to engage with the more bitter or cynical side of life because it’s seen as unbearable. In my own philosophy I think we should engage with the darkness, but keep cheerful and kind and generous, but definitely engage with the darkness.”

“With this kind of stuff, too often it comes from fragility, from people who don’t want to read or see anything too negative. Life has bashed them around enough, so they’re very drawn to really romantic, quite sentimental statements.”

After thirty minutes, my time with de Botton is up.

I leave our meeting with a renewed determination to one day become Alain’s protege, and a signed copy of his book – “Thanks for the interview, no Valium needed” scribbled messily on the title page.

Alain’s new book, The Course of Love, is available now.

For information on attending classes at The School of Life in Sydney, click here.

Cover image illustration by the author.