A categorical list of things the Australian government cares about more than marriage equality

By Joseph Earp

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You’ve got to hand it to the Turnbull government – they really have their priorities in place.

They’ve got marriage equality in their sights. No, really they do. They’ve even got it jotted down on a list. Only problem is, it’s near the bottom. No need to despair though, folks – they’ll take care of equal rights as soon as they knock off a few other quick errands. Won’t take long.

So while you’re waiting for the day Australia joins the rest of the free world, stops being an international embarrassment, and steps up to the fuckin’ plate, cast your eyes over this list of matters more important to Turnbull and his mates than marriage equality:

1. The pressing national threat represented by a pair of eco-terrorists named Boo and Pistol.

2. The pressing national threat represented by protesters (those bastards!)

3. The pressing national threat represented by an education initiative designed to stop bullying.

4. Cardinal Pell’s feelings.

5. Tony Abbott’s feelings.

6. Cory Bernardi’s feelings.

7. Mike Baird’s extremist Christian agenda.

8. James Packer’s hedge fund (some things have to be exempt from lockout laws, right?)

9. The teachings of a $350,000 Stoner Sloth.

10. Protecting a National Broadband Network largely acknowledged to be an international joke.

11. Tearing down all that pesky wildlife standing in the way of a widely unpopular public transport system.

12. Deciding whether women in parliament should be actively insulted, or just ignored.

13. Threatening to cut the medicare rebate for pap smears.

14. Silencing growing evidence of human rights abuse being carried out on Nauru.

15. Turning away refugees fleeing the violence and horror in Syria.

16. Further fucking polluting the fucking environment, in the process assisting with the fucking destruction of The Great Barrier Reef, one of Australia’s greatest national landmarks, a complex living organism visible from fucking space, in the process doing fucking nothing to stop an international fucking goddamn tragedy that should stain the hands of the fucking goddamn fucking government for the rest of fucking time.

17. Taking selfies at Mardi Gras.