Current Queer Celebrity Couples: The Breakdown

By Matilda Douglas-Henry

Considering the generally depressing nature of queer representation in pop culture, it can be nice to forget about how under-appreciated we are and indulge in a moment of ignorant bliss. Amidst all its whitewashed heteronormativity, Hollywood has an underbelly of queer babes – and when they pair up, their unions can be so stunning it’s overwhelming.

The actions of the queer celebrity community are an interesting testament to the fact that, for some people, there is no point to come out unless you have evidence. Rocking up to a family Christmas with a date who is not of the opposite sex is a simple way of saying “hey folks, I’m queer as”. Replacing your immediate family with the attention of everyone in the world is probably what it’s like for a famous person agonising over whether they should come out or not.

Ultimately, there are a lot of celebrities who are queer but haven’t come out yet because they can’t find the right person. Beyoncé is obviously one of these people.

I consider these couples to be ~hot~ and ~cool~ because they challenge the expectations of what a relationship should be (especially one in the public eye), and they are very nice to look at.

NB: Most of these unions are real.

“Hollah”: Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson

These two positively overwhelm me, and take the spot for 2016’s coolest queer couple. I have always been an admirer of Paulson – ever since she kissed her partner Cherry Jones on live television in 2005, when that was still deeply non-PC.

She is also a next level talented actress, with her Ryan Murphy collaborations American Horror Story and American Crime Story receiving critical acclaim. In an interview in 2013, she described her sexuality as a “fluid situation”, which is a necessary step in making people who do not identify as gay or lesbian visible.

I have had a queer inkling about Holland Taylor ever since she played Helena Peabody’s iconic mother, Peggy, on The L Word. She is also the reason Elle Woods completed her Harvard degree in Legally Blonde, so we will forever be eternally grateful.

I am obsessed with Paulson and Taylor’s relationship. Their public declarations of love via social media are too much, and they seem to have undying respect for each other’s thespian craft. I hope they’re together forever.

“Jeileen”: Jill Soloway and Eileen Myles

Jill Soloway is the creator of Transparent, and has a production company called Topple (AKA Topple the patriarchy), so she is clearly amazing. Soloway was straight, and married, until she met Eileen through working on Transparent. Eileen Myles is a queer poet and a very sexy silver fox, who is the inspiration for Leslie on the show (Leslie is also played by Cherry Jones, Sarah Paulson’s ex. This is gleefully just like The Chart from The L Word).

I feel like these two totally get each other. They would have intellectually ferocious debates over dinner as to how they will actually destroy the patriarchy, and they use their respective platforms to advocate for trans rights and interrogate cis privilege. Great work.

“Bestin”: Beth Ditto and Kristin Ogata

Beth Ditto – the lead singer of Gossip – describes herself as a “fat, feminist lesbian from Arkansas”. Clearly she is extraordinary, and has been an advocate for body positivity for decades. Ditto married Ogata, who has been her friend since she was a teenager, in Hawaii in 2013. When it became legal seventeen months later, they made it official in Oregon.

I’m so into it. From my google sleuthing I gauge a really powerful connection through their body language.

“Krannie”: Kristen Stewart and Annie Clark (St. Vincent) 

This recent coupling is quietly huge. When K Stew publicly declared her love for then-girlfriend, Alicia Cargile, it was a breakthrough moment for the famously reserved actress. At the same time, the achingly gracious St. Vincent was in a committed union with Cara Delevingne. Suddenly, Cara and Alicia are AWOL, and Kristen and St. Vincent are wearing matching ripped jeans, buying dog food, and going to the doctor’s office together.

I was so into these queer icons in their previous relationships, so it is quite a bitter pill for me to swallow. Nevertheless, this is major and really quite exciting. Serious power couple in the making, folks.

“Beygelina”: Beyoncé Knowles and Angelina Jolie

This may or may not be one of those falsely constructed unions I mentioned earlier, but can we please consider this for a moment (as if I haven’t already)? Perhaps the two most immaculate facial structures of all time unite in queer passion to create the most powerful duo in the history of the world.

Blue Ivy would seamlessly fit into the rest of the Jolie-Pitt offspring. Maybe Brad and Jay could shack up together, too – surely somewhere near George Clooney’s villa in Lake Como.

Update: just found out that Beyoncé and Angelina are allegedly ninth cousins once removed, which is hectic, but also surely pretty chill?

“Cabbi”: Carrie Brownstein and Abbi Jacobson

This is a rumour grounded in little reality, but let us enjoy it!

Essentially, not one, but two Instagram posts from Abbi’s account feat. Carrie Brownstein and her dog was enough to warrant suspicion. It is indeed a very gay thing for one to do – hang out with an animal.

For me, it’s all about Carrie and Taylor Schilling (Piper from Orange is the New Black, who is way less irksome IRL). They dated at some point last year which really excited me, and I think they’re still good mates.

Nevertheless, I love that Abbi – whose onscreen persona is adamantly straight – is potentially a queer angel in reality. Carrie and Abbi would surely leave each other in hysterics at the end of a night, and would pitch Broad City/Portlandia skits in lieu of pillow talk.

“Sarelli”: Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli

This adorable couple recently got engaged, but the queer community were already enamoured with their relationship. Morelli – a writer on Orange is the New Black – was married when she started the job, but realised she was gay after connecting so much with Piper Chapman’s story arc. Her and Wiley swiftly got together, and they are divine. I can’t begin to articulate how excited I am for snaps of their wedding.

“Dail”: David Burtka and Neil Patrick Harris

These two are the Holy Grail of gay male relationships in Hollywood. Burtka is a chef and theatre personality, and Harris is not only a very successful actor but also a magician. They have very cute twins who get dressed up in ridiculous outfits. It’s all very fun.

“Mate”: Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett

Perhaps this is not as real a couple as I would like, but I am one of those people who thought Carol was a groundbreaking piece of queer cinema and found their sexual chemistry next level.

Mara and Blanchett both possess an indescribable poise that would make them an unbeatable combination. They have displayed a real fondness and admiration for each other in press conferences and interviews. I can only imagine a thrilling dalliance behind the scenes of a very chic film festival – perhaps Cannes or Berlinale.