The 7 Deadly Sins of Grindr

By Roland Taureau

There’s a reason online dating has become such a staple of 21st century culture. It’s hilarious fun! We choose the best picture we can find of ourselves, attach a witty slogan or heading, and embark on a remote romp, chatting to strangers and unearthing new lovers and friends.

Online dating has many advantages, and gay communities have practically pioneered the phenomenon through websites and apps like Gaydar, Manhunt and Grindr. But it’s not always smooth sailing.

The 7 Deadly Sins of Grindr, listed below, should be avoided at all costs when poking and prodding your way down the yellow brick road, so that all we friends of Dorothy can attempt to maintain cordial relations along the way.

Deception

You know that feeling of disappointment when you order something online, it arrives at your door, and it’s just not quite right. Even if you end up with a product you enjoy, if it’s different from what you thought you were getting, you can’t help but feel a little deceived.

It’s the same with Grindr. It doesn’t matter if you front up to that first meeting looking like a Greek god, if you’re different from the information on your profile, you’ve already made a bad impression.

Now, there are some easy ways to avoid this, but the fundamental rule is LOOK LIKE YOUR PHOTOS.

Professionally taken profile pics are a wonderful way to show people what you don’t actually look like – save that shit for your wedding. Even heavy Instagram filters are pushing it.

Also, steer clear of weird angles designed to make you look taller, thinner, buffer etc., for the simple reason that people will find out what you actually look like when you meet them!

While it’s true that some Grindr dudes deliberately include a raft of misleading information in their profiles, it’s also the case that many people genuinely don’t know what they look like day to day. As a result, they sometimes inadvertently share a range of questionable images.

Even I’ve fallen victim to this phenomenon. A few weeks back I whipped out Grindr to show my mates a handsome beau I’d been chatting to, only to trail off mid-sentence as they burst out laughing at my profile pic.

“When was that taken?!” my buddies cackled. “The early-90s??”

Confused, I examined the picture. I looked great! And the pic had actually only been taken the previous Tuesday. After I spent 2 hours at the gym.

Then 45 minutes in the sauna.

Then put on a detoxifying, clay mask which I removed with heavy-duty exfoliant…

I looked fucking fantastic! But upon reflection, I didn’t look like that every day.

As confronting as it can be, sometimes you need to get a second opinion before deciding on a profile pic. It’s for the greater good.

Douchebaggery

Basically the golden rule here is don’t say anything on your profile to make other people feel like shit.

Some people appear to have extraordinarily localised tastes when it comes to prospective partners but, happily, you’re not obliged to have sex with everyone who messages you on Grindr.

Racism, ageism, ableism, body-shaming and homophobia (yes, you read that correctly) are all inexcusable when you have the option to block or ignore someone you don’t want to engage with.

Publicly deriding anyone who isn’t buff, white, able-bodied and ‘masc’ is just gross.

Our particular minority faces enough discrimination from the outside, we don’t need it internally as well.

Wilful ignorance

Now, I understand that in the vast majority of cases it’s going to be the profile pic that entices you to tap one of those little, yellow boxes and strike up a conversation, but it’s still a good idea to scan the text as well.

Profile information often includes height, age, weight and nationality, and can give a fairly good idea of your potential husband’s sense of humour – all factors that make a difference to a lot of people

Also, many profiles include links to the person’s Instagram, which usually displays a more accurate array of personal images, as people tend to be far less discerning about the snaps they upload to social media than the pristine pics fronting their Grindr profile.

Even if you’re only searching for a hook-up it’s a good idea to acquaint yourself with a person’s particulars, in order to ensure that you’re both looking for the same things.

For my own part, I tend to get a fair few messages from people whose profiles say ‘No one over 30’, which is annoying because mine clearly states that I’m 32.

The way to a man’s heart is not through pointing out his expiration date. Thus, in these instances, my block button well and truly gets a work out.

Invasiveness

If you wander over to a stranger on the street and randomly strike up a conversation, they’re allowed to ignore you and keep walking. Similarly, people on Grindr don’t owe you anything, and they don’t have to reply to your messages.

There are a number of reasons why you might not get a reply. You might not be what the person’s looking for, they might be busy, they might forget, or they might not have received your message in the first place – we all know Grindr isn’t perfect.

If the person you’re messaging is anything like me, you’re unlikely to get a response unless you reference something they’ve written in their profile. Every time I load Grindr I get 5-10 new messages simply saying ‘Hey’, from people who, presumably, just like to cast a wide net. It all seems pretty random so I don’t respond…unless I’m ridiculously horny.

Many guys seem to think the way to get around silence is by sending their message another 16 times.

Followed by question marks.

Then emoticons.

Then more question marks.

Then an abusive spiel about how rude it is not to respond.

If you’re genuinely puzzled as to why a person hasn’t replied to you, instead of sending a frustrated barrage of syntax and vitriol, try writing ‘I’ve messaged you a few times but I’m not sure if they’re getting through.’ Still no response? You have your answer.

Now, I’m aware some people think it’s only good manners to let someone know if you’re not interested, but I put to you that going out of your way to arbitrarily reject others online is fuelled more by self-indulgence than consideration.

In the realms of online dating, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Impatience

This ties into the previous point about not being overbearing and invasive. It’s important to realise that, while you may be on Grindr every second of the day, other people are not. Grindr users do, after all, have jobs and hobbies. They have friends and family and all sorts of other distractions that may separate them from their smart phones for extended periods of time.

If you’re having a great time chatting to someone and then all of a sudden they drop off the radar, try to remember that real life can disrupt even the strongest wifi signal.

If you’re really interested (and think they might be too), but are getting frustrated at an extended lack of response, ask for a phone number. If they decline, don’t waste your time chasing them.

There are plenty more fish dicks in the sea screen.

Cyber-flashing

You know how you can’t just wander up to someone in the street and show them your cock and/or ass? You shouldn’t do that on Grindr either. It’s sexual harassment.

Similarly, it can be a huge turn off to automatically request another person’s XXX pics in your first message. Exchange a bit of banter first, and ascertain what the other person’s looking for before sending through or requesting naked photos.

People use Grindr for more than just casual sex, so it’s important to make sure everybody’s on the same page before getting out the goods.

Sexual entitlement

This is probably the most important (and unforgiveable) of Grindr sins: avoid, at all costs, a sense of sexual entitlement.

When meeting someone you’ve been chatting to on Grindr, there should be no pressure from either side for sex to eventuate.

I don’t care what the circumstances are. You might have had 90 minutes of hot and heavy typing, exchanged pics and vids, he might be scrubbed and douched and laying seductively on your bed. But you should still never feel obliged to have sex with anyone you meet on Grindr, and you should never pressure anyone else into sex either.

No one on Grindr owes you anything. They can call off the hook up at any time, and you’re just going to have to be cool with it.

This is especially true when one or both parties have been deceptive about their appearance or character. Unfortunately, some guys seem to count on the pressure of the hook up to ensure you just shag them anyway, which is unacceptable. If sex is going to happen, it needs to be between consenting adults, with everyone involved feeling comfortable, confident and eager