What’s it like to be bisexual and still in the closet?

By James Branson

So my friend, let’s call him… Tony, is a closeted bisexual. His main preference is for women – he’s been in a few long-term relationships and has your average red-blooded male’s desire for females. But he also likes fucking guys. Specifically, he likes being fucked by guys. He is bisexual – something that some people in the scientific community actually deny exists! Well, it most certainly does, and being bisexual can be very, very difficult. You don’t really fit in anywhere – some people in the gay community think you’re just flirting on the outskirts of their culture, and a lot of people in the straight world think you’re just in the denial phase of being gay.

I found out about Tony’s sexuality when he came on to me at about 4am after we’d been partying together. He’s a good friend, and although we haven’t spoken to each other in a few years, he agreed to talk to me about his experiences with being bisexual.

Hey. So tell me about your childhood – when did you first realize you were a little different, sexually?

There was never any “big bang” moment when I thought, “oh my god, I’m bisexual”. The first time I really thought about sex was when I was about 12, I think. I friend of mine showed me some porn and I went home almost immediately and jerked off. Like any guy, I was pretty surprised and a little concerned with the result. But I went back and did it again about three hours later!

Was it women or men you were thinking about then?

Women. Then, when I was fourteen, I was sent to a private boarding school in Melbourne – a very snobby, very sports-jock type place. That was the first time I began to think about guys in a sexual way. We had open showers – which meant that all the guys in the boarding house showered together. One of my fellow boarders, named Dave as I recall, had a huge dick and I was just fascinated by it. I can’t really remember if I’d seen much porn up until then – it was pre internet so getting access to smut was pretty difficult. But I really wanted to touch his dick. I wanted to suck it, too (laughs). Of course, I kept that information to myself. Boarding school was certainly not the right kind of environment to reveal that you’re bisexual. Not that I even realized what I was at the time.

One of the biggest fears in the common shower was walking in with an erection. Obviously teenage boys have trouble controlling when the hell they get hard, so on numerous occasions I just didn’t shower because I was scared that I’d get a boner and everyone would know about my sexuality.

I’d been living my teenage years in a rural town a few hours outside of Melbourne, so I was very excited at the prospect of going to a big city, with all that sex in the air. I was very keen to experiment with my sexuality, with whoever was keen – boys, girls, groups. Whatever.

Back then, did you have thoughts about guys mostly, or girls?

I think it was about fifty fifty. I certainly masturbated to images or thoughts of girls, but I quite vividly remember the first time I had a sexual fantasy about anal sex with another guy. I was in my dorm room at night, trying to fit my index finger up my ass and jerking off at the same time. I really liked it. I guess you could say that’s when I realized I was actually very turned on by the idea of getting fucked by a guy.

Did it trouble you?

I didn’t really think about it that much. Of course I was scared of being revealed as different, sexually speaking, but I had a lot of other things to worry about. I really hated school and my results were very poor, so that was a much more pressing concern. Thankfully I was only there for a two years, then I moved back home. I ended up at a co-ed school and for a while those fantasies about men ceased. I started hanging around with a group that was rampantly hetero. So that began to rub off on me. All of a sudden it was girls, girls, girls.

It sounds like your sexuality, at least at that age, was quite fluid, and you were naturally attracted to those around you, no matter what their gender.

I suppose you could say that, yes.

So for the next few years you only really thought about girls?

Yeah. Or at least that’s what I recall. I started going out with a few girls and they were really fun, and we were doing everything that teenagers do – I was trying my best to get laid as quickly as possible and the girls were trying their best to get us guys off their cases – but at the same time also very keen themselves.

There’s no doubt that my bisexuality during those mid to late teenage years was pretty successfully repressed. I just didn’t think about it too much.

When did it start coming up again?

At university. Obviously when you first go to uni there’s all this sexual freedom in the air, and everybody is very, very horny. I’d been living those teenage years in a rural town a few hours outside of Melbourne, so I was very excited at the prospect of going to a big city, with all that sex in the air. I was very keen to experiment with my sexuality, with whoever was keen – boys, girls, groups. Whatever.

I fell into a bit of an artsy, musician group of friends. They were pretty cool I guess, but I never felt able to talk openly about my sexuality. They weren’t closed minded, I was just very embarrassed.

I started seeing a girl at uni, got involved with this group of friends in which nobody was really openly gay or bi, and so didn’t really get a chance to talk about it with anybody. Once again, my sexuality was in for a big dose of repression! Once I tried hooking up with a guy who was a few doors down at college, but he didn’t reciprocate. So after that I didn’t really try anything for a while, just fantasized a lot. It’s funny, because there were gay/bi support groups at uni, and I just never went. I was actually pretty terrified of being seen and found out.

There’s this secret I have, that I can’t bring myself to reveal because I’m so scared people will just cut me off. And it poisons every relationship I have, because I can never be totally open about myself to anybody

Why? Do you think the way society looks upon bisexuals has anything to do with it?

It’s difficult to say… I guess it was my own fears and prejudices playing into it a lot. My sexuality is about 70% straight and 30% gay. But the main reason, I believe, is that I have no interest in having an emotional relationship with a man. I want to fuck guys every now and then – actually, I want them to fuck me. But whenever I think about committed, long term relationships, it’s always with women. Which brings me to the main point about why I’m so secretive when it comes to my sexuality. If you’re a woman who wants a long term, committed relationship with a guy, are you going to get involved with someone who wants to go out and have sex with other men every now and then? I don’t think so. Or at least, none of the women that I’ve been involved with would find that acceptable.

Maybe you’re not giving women enough credit?

The women I’ve met and become involved with, I think I know them all well enough to know that they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me if they knew. Imagine saying “hey darling, look, I really want to be with you, I really love you, but is it ok if every couple of weeks or so I go out and get fucked in the ass by a giant cock?” (laughs).

So you’ve never told any women you’ve been in a relationship with about your sexuality?

Nope. Never. Not one.

That’s insane. I mean, it sounds really awful – partly it’s self-inflicted though. But you’ve never been able to be 100% honest with any of the women you’ve been in relationships with…

Never. And it kills the relationships. Poisons them completely. Because I just feel like a liar all the time. I’m not a bad person to be in a relationship with – I’m kind, I’m not the jealous type, I try to do my very best. But at the core of it there’s this secret I have, that I can’t bring myself to reveal because I’m so scared people will just cut me off. And it poisons every relationship I have, because I can never be totally open about myself to anybody. The only reason you know is because I came onto you that time!

Haha yeah, that was pretty awkward.

Yeah well you’re one of the few open-minded people I know, and I thought you were bi too.

Ok! So, going back to your uni years and your early 20s, when did you eventually have your first sexual experience with a man?

I must have been about 22. I’d had all these fantasies about being fucked going around my head and I’d never acted upon any of them, but I found out about gay cruising spots – places where guys meet and hook up randomly. I was still too scared to go to a gay club because of fear that I’d be spotted! So I went to a gay cruising spot, and there was one other guy there, probably about forty or so. We found a secluded spot and I sucked his dick – I’d wanted to suck a dick for ages, and I really, really liked it. It really turned me on.

Did you go back?

Yeah, I went back a few times, but what I really wanted was to be fucked. And I wasn’t really willing to do that behind a tree in some random park. So I went online, to a gay dating website, and managed to meet a man who was a bit older and who had a huge dick. I was really excited. We met up at his apartment, and all I wanted was for him to fuck me. The first thing he did was eat my ass, which was amaaaaaazing. Seriously, even if you’re a straight guy, you’ve gotta get your ass eaten at least once. It’s literally the best feeling in the world. So finally, he fucked me, which hurt a fair bit – I imagine it always does the first time. But it was good. It had been something I’d wanted for such a long time. I went back to his place twice after that, but he ended up wanting to fuck me without a condom, and I just wasn’t willing to do that, for obvious reasons.

After that I discovered bath-houses, and went on a bit of a slut spree. I think that was around the age of 24 – I’d just broken up with a girl that I really loved, and decided “fuck it, I’m just going to go out and fulfill all these fantasies that have been in the back of my mind for so long”. I ended up doing some pretty risky stuff, frankly. I was getting quite high a lot of the time (mainly ecstasy, but coke too, when I could afford it) and fucking anything that moved. There’d be times when I’d find myself in a room at the bathhouse I frequented in Melbourne city, and I’d be sucking and getting fucked by five or six guys that I’d only met ten minutes ago! Pretty wild stuff, but I really loved it. There’s nothing better than being the centre of attention!

In a weird way, being bisexual, and knowing what it’s like to want to be fucked, has helped me a lot when it comes to having sex with women. I’m very good in bed, I know how women want to be fucked by a guy… because that’s exactly how I want to be fucked. Which is kind of a nice irony, isn’t it?

Wow… so did that kind of stull fill any emotional gaps you had, too?

Not at all. It was purely physical. Like I said, I’m not attracted to men emotionally at all. So it was all about acting out those dirty, physical fantasies. Almost every time after I cum when I’m having sex with a guy, I want to get the hell out of there straight away. I don’t want to cuddle or kiss, I don’t want to be held and talk. I want to have wild, dirty, filthy sex where they fuck me like a rag-doll, then I want to get the hell out of there and never see them again. Which is pretty horrible of me, really. But that’s what I want.

In fact, a lot of the time I feel quite depressed after I’ve had gay sex. I think it’s because the act is a reminder to me that I’ll never be able to be completely honest and open in my relationships, because of that fear of being rejected if found out. Every time I have sex with guys I’m reminded of that.

So is this how your sexual and emotional life has continued to play out? Have you had many other long-term relationships?

Yeah. I almost got married, actually. After about three or four years of having zero proper relationships with women (I’d had a few regular booty-calls over that period) I started seeing a beautiful girl around the age of 27. We were together for four years, and not once did I tell her. Actually, I did tell her that I’d kissed a guy, which was probably me testing the waters to see if she was open-minded. She definitely wasn’t’. She asked me if I was gay, because, in her words “any guy that kisses another guy must be gay.” Looking back, she’s actually not a very open-minded or even smart person, but at the time that reinforced my belief that any women looking for a relationship with a guy would in no way enter one with somebody who was bisexual.

Are you still of that belief?

Yes. Absolutely. I know a lot of girls say that they’re ok with bisexuality, and that they have open minds when it comes to the fluidity of the sexual spectrum. But when it comes to the reality of the situation, I’m yet to meet a girl who would really accept being in a relationship with a bisexual guy. And I’ve had a lot of discussions with women about this – all of them, every single one, has agreed with my assessment. They’ve always admitted that they couldn’t get into a long-term relationship with a bisexual guy.

Well, that sucks.

Yep. Because I really do want to get married and have kids and be in a long term, committed relationship. Actually, now that I think of it, every time I’ve been in a relationship with a woman, those urges to go out and have sex with men have subsided. Not completely, but significantly.

I know that I’m meant to be with a woman, but I’m beginning to suspect this inability to reveal my secret is always going to sabotage any relationship I have. So I often don’t even pursue relationships.

How many people have you told?

Not many at all. Three or four. Like I said, you found out because I came on to you when we were blind drunk. Same thing with another guy who knows. My psychologist knows, and so does one girl who I just decided to tell on a whim. But she’s very cool.

Actually, one thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that in a weird way, being bisexual, and knowing what it’s like to want to be fucked, has helped me a lot when it comes to having sex with women. I’m very good in bed, I know how women want to be fucked by a guy… because that’s exactly how I want to be fucked. Which is kind of a nice irony, isn’t it?