What does the bible actually say about marriage?

By admin

One of the primary arguments people opposed to same sex marriage present is that it’s not “traditional” in the biblical sense. “The Bible does not allow it”, they say, conveniently ignoring the fact that no sane person has ever suggested we use the Bible as the source for our laws.

So what exactly does the Bible say about marriage? What types of marriage are presented in the “good” book as being acceptable under God’s laws?

We thought we’d take a peek…

THE “TRADITIONAL” FAMILY: A husband with one wife (as long as she can prove she’s a virgin and submits to being his property).

Linda and Dave, on the first day of their honeymoon, just minutes before Dave explained that Linda was now his property, and also, could she please prove her virginity?

Genesis 2:24 says “…a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.

Notwithstanding that the technology to literally join a man and a woman to “become one flesh” certainly wasn’t around back in biblical times, Genesis goes on to explicitly state that wives should be subordinate to their husbands. It also forbids interfaith marriages, and explains that a bride who is unable to prove her virginity shall be stoned to death.

A MAN AND HIS BROTHER’S WIDOW: If  your brother dies, God wants you to marry – and have sex with, his widow.

Harold, comforting his dead brother’s wife and thinking of the best way to let her know that they should probably get married and start boning soon, lest God become angry.

Genesis 38:6-10 is absolutely cray.

It tells the story of Er, son of Judah, who was given a wife named Tamar. Unfortunately, Er was “wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death”.

It goes on: “Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.”

To sum it up: if you don’t sleep with – and come inside – your dead brother’s ex-wife, God will kill you.


Christians might think that Snoop really shouldn’t be surrounded by a bevy of women, but the Bible is actually totally cool with that! Keep doing the Lord’s work, Snoop.

Many of the fictional characters the Bible presents as paragons of morality had concubines – something the book seems totally cool with. Abraham had two, Jacob had one lady on the side, and Solomon – the player that he was – had over 300.


Completely acceptable in God’s eyes

Dudes in the Bible could have as many wives as they liked and not incur God’s wrath (as an aside, God seemed to be very wrathful about many thing, but polygamy wasn’t one of them). The first instance of polygamy in the Bible comes from Genesis 4:19: “Lamech married two women”.

In 2 Samuel 12:8, God even goes on to say that if King David was dissatisfied with his wives and concubines, God would have been happy to provide more.


You might think that God isn’t okay with this ISIS militant taking women prisoner and giving them to his fellow soldiers as slaves/wives. Think again! God loves this stuff!

Numbers 31:1-18 and Deuteronomy 21:11-14 state the case here. Under the command of Moses, God instructed the Israelites to kill every Midianite man, woman and child – except for the virgin girls, who were to given to soldiers as wives. The wives were to submit sexually to their new owners.


ALL SAID, THE BIBLE has some rather strange interpretations of what kind of marriage is allowed under God’s law.

So when anyone tells you that gays and lesbians shouldn’t be married because God forbids it, maybe point out to them that, I don’t know… GOD IS TOTALLY COOL WITH YOU RAPING VIRGINS AND FORCING THEM TO BECOME YOUR WIVES IF YOU’VE CAPTURED AND KILLED THE REST OF THEIR FAMILY DURING A WAR.


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