Abuser Apologism And ‘Untrustworthy’ Bisexuals

By Charlie Tetiyevsky

I don’t need, or care, to defend Johnny Depp.

As far as I’m concerned, he’s just another in a line of men I’ve masturbated about who have ended up being bad people. I will always err on siding with the person who claims abuse because guess what? I’d rather be wrong a bunch of times and defend someone with false claims (however many of those there supposedly are, I don’t buy that there’s many at all) than doubt one person telling the truth.

Abuse and assault are real life things to contend with for far too many people – especially bisexual individuals like Depp’s target and soon-to-be ex-wife Amber Heard.

There are lots of thinkpieces out about intimate partner violence, but few of them seem to acknowledge how very prevalent exactly this sort of bisexual issue abuse is. Numbers are really boring, I guess, when one can spend time exercising one’s sub-Victorian level of sexual understanding like Peter Ford did recently.

Do we really need to explain how sexuality works? That it’s fluid and that it is only a reflection of that one thing, the person’s sexuality? For lots of people, genitals are great. Pussies, they’re great. Dicks, they’re great. Boobs, manly and womanly alike, are great. What is confusing about just being into people? (If anything’s confusing, it’s how someone who’s as misanthropic as I am can write this paragraph.) I honestly feel like I have to explain the colour “red” to someone or something; Peter Ford, dear, whoever you are, sit down.

I know you think bisexuals can’t be trusted, but you can probably at least trust me to explain a few things to you about being bi:

1. A good partnership fulfils you in a way that means, regardless of what gender a person is, if you’re practising monogamy ethically (that is, actually doing it) you won’t need to pursue a different partner. It’s not like I’ve woken up, looked at my partner, and thought, “Oh, shit, my pussy quota is empty—better get out of here and munch on some minge ASAP.” Genitals are an infinitesimally small element of sexuality to some people, but especially most bisexuals since we’ve basically seen it all. Projecting the expectations and allowances of a non-monogamous bisexual relationship onto monogamous ones is doing both sorts of pursuits a disservice; open relationships are not open because of people’s sexualities–they are generally open because this is what works best for both people. That’s a personal choice, and it doesn’t make anyone “untrustworthy” if it’s a mutual, agreed-upon situation. (Not to mention that PLENTY of hetero people have open relationships, and I’ve seen a whole fucking heap of them cheat on each other in monogamous relationships, so let’s not go flinging stones in hetero glass houses, Ford.)

2. Bisexual people are not bisexual because they’re fickle. They’re bisexual because there really isn’t an imaginary line between “this side” and the “other side” of sexual preferences (shit, there aren’t even any “sides” since there are way more than two genders, a number of which are non-binary and therefore aren’t defined relative to the constructed male/female dichotomy). Liking two different types of ice cream, for instance, doesn’t make you unable to make up your mind. Liking people of different genders is the same.

3. Some people are terrible and other people are totally okay and it has nothing to do with whether they lick pussy or eat man ass or both or neither. It generally does have to do, though, with whether or not they throw things at partners during arguments. That’s a check for the “terrible” column.

4. A bisexual partner worth keeping (like any partner of any (a)sexuality) will not leave you if someone of a different gender comes along. They will leave you because you don’t do the dishes, or for some other petty human reason, but not because they felt like suddenly guzzling some jizz or whatever. If someone says they left you because they’re bisexual, they’re lying and probably an asshole and you’re better off without them anyway.

Ford’s words about untrustworthy bisexuals are an extension of the heinous victim-blaming we’ve seen come to a head since this story dropped. In a way he’s implying that Heard’s bisexuality is what upset Depp, as though there is ever a good reason to strike someone. As if it was his or her “lack of wisdom” in entering the relationship that made violence happen and not a violent person, and as though the problem in this particular situation was more Herd’s material flaws than anyone’s predilection for violence. Alternatively, Ford could be implying that Heard, as she supposedly cannot be trusted because of her sexuality, might be lying about the abuse. Neither is a great look, and both reinforce a violent culture that I thought we were trying to get rid of in this country and elsewhere.

The Daily Mail goes to suggest that Depp believed Heard was cheating on him with her ex-partner, combining all the ridiculous stereotypes of bisexual people–that they’re not loyal, that they’ll run off to be with a different gendered partner, that they lie–into one big monster. It’s unclear whether Depp thought something like this, but it’s obvious that the media does.

Now there’s all this noise about Heard being arrested for domestic violence for grabbing her previous partner’s arm in the airport. I don’t know what the situation is here, obviously, and neither does anyone else, but I wouldn’t venture to say that one person’s abusive behaviour wouldn’t make them less likely to be a target for abuse by someone else. Grabbing someone’s arm in anger is not okay, but it’s definitely not fucking okay to throw a phone at someone. Is it possible Heard got mad and grabbed her partner in a violent manner? Sure. It’s entirely possible she’s just as emotionally volatile as Depp, and I imagine it’s likely he’d get into a relationship with someone as passionate (read: histrionic) as him since he seems to like a powderkeg. But even if this is the case and Heard participated in some sort of abuse of Depp, is getting angry back and assaulting someone in return ever the answer?

Looking at the stupid hashtag to support Depp, it’s clear that nearly all of the voiced hatred for and distrust of Heard on Twitter is coming from women. It’s disturbing to know that men commit the majority of domestic abuse (against women and other men alike) and yet those who are most frequently the targets have been taught to distrust one another and trust the famous patriarch, even when he’s someone with a past as violent as Depp’s. After all, the man was arrested in 1994 on felony mischief charges for trashing a hotel room during a “domestic squabble” with then-girlfriend Kate Moss, who was found “sitting amid the debris.” If this isn’t enough, it takes just reading a bit between the lines of how Moss describes her relationship with Depp to get a clear picture of the dynamics of being in a relationship with him:

“There’s nobody that’s ever really been able to take care of me. Johnny did for a bit. I believed what he said,” Moss says. “Like if I said, ‘What do I do?,’ he’d tell me. And that’s what I missed when I left.”

Eh, yikes. Alone this might not be a red flag (that Depp gravitates towards emotionally vulnerable women and makes them think that his word is bond and that he’s their sole caretaker), but when combined with Depp’s historically short fuse and some emotionally heightened situation? Dangerous. What Moss describes in so many words is a control-based emotional abuse–where you are made to feel helpless until your partner swoops in to tell you “what to do”–that can be very serious. It can be so corrosive it affects the victim for years after the relationship is over (e.g., “there’s nobody that’s ever really been able to take care of me [but] Johnny”). Abuse can work insidiously to rewire the way we view ourselves so that we don’t even notice, and often leaves long-lasting effects on a person’s self-worth and their feelings of independence. Depp himself has admitted that he has emotionally abusive tendencies when he’s “in a bad place”, and though physical abuse doesn’t necessarily happen when emotional abuse does, the latter is almost always a precursor for the former. Someone making it clear that they take out their frustrations on others is a red flag. Red. Flag. I don’t care how hot the guy is that the flag is pinned to (and let’s be serious, Depp’s not exactly looking like a spring chicken now that he’s in his 50s).

Saying that Depp can’t abuse because he is/was hot is ridiculous, as is suggesting that someone’s sexuality–or anything about them–makes them a legitimate target for violence. It’s absolutely not uncommon for the public not to believe a victim’s story, but when it’s compounded by bias against bisexuals like this story is it just makes clear how a culture hell-bent on apologism for abusers and rapists can snowball into using stereotypes and prejudices to justify doubting a victim.

This is not the goal for our society, nor should it be an acceptable state of discourse on victims of abuse or sexual assault.

The default mode for discussing a violent problem should not involve doubting that it has happened