I’m totally not gay, I swear. However…

By WIll Colvin

“So it looks like I definitely am bisexual then,” said my best friend – we’ll call him Ross –a confused expression on his face. This may have had something to do with the fact that he had his cock in my mouth, and he was on the brink of flooding it with cum.

It was an extremely hot weekday afternoon early last year, and it was the first time I’d ever sucked a penis.

With his semen dripping out of my face, Ross started having a panic attack.

“Oh god. I don’t like it anymore. Are we gay now? We can’t tell anyone we’re gay, dude. Oh God,” he yelped, running around the room touching things randomly like the full blown OCD lunatic that he is.

I promised Ross I wouldn’t tell my girlfriend.

I immediately told my girlfriend, who was, surprisingly, totally fine with the news that her outwardly heterosexual boyfriend had crossed the threshold and become a full-blown blowjob queen.

“I assumed it was going to happen at some stage,” she said, “just try not to do it again if I’m not there to watch, please.”

As much as I really, really liked sucking Ross’s dick, I’m definitely not ‘gay’ in the biological sense of the word. The only thing about Ross that I found attractive was his penis, and the idea of sucking it.

Now, that does sound unbelievably gay. But when I looked up at Ross and saw his confused, beardy face staring back at me, “turned on” was a long way from how I felt.

In fact, I had to put a towel over my head so that it was just me and the penis alone together.

“Get the towel,” is now our shorthand for doing blowjobs.

So what’s going on? Am I gay? Straight? Bi-sexual? Why do I need to wear a towel on my head to suck a penis and why can I only get my dick hard for guys if there’s a girl present?

According the American Pyschological Association, “sexual orientation falls along a continuum.”

“Someone does not have to be exclusively homosexual or heterosexual, but can feel varying degrees of both,” the APA states. “Sexual orientation develops across a person’s lifetime – different people realize at different points in their lives that they are heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual.”

That sounds about right.

According to Bruce Baghemihl’s Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity, nearly 1500 species, from primates to parasites, have been obvserved engaging in the type of behaviour that gets human beings called “yew fucken’ gaylord”, by that kid at your high school who loved wrestling and rugby and just generally being as physically close to other men as he could possibly get.

Personally, the idea of gay play turns me on, but my sexual chemistry just doesn’t really activate unless there’s a woman present, with all her smells and soft bits. If I want to turn on the gay machine I need a member of the opposite sex as a kind of dick-to-dick adapter (D2D as it’s known in engineering.)

Most people have probably had bisexual fantasies of one kind or another, but admitting to them is tricky.

The only thing worse than the risk of ostracising yourself from your straight-up heterosexual peers by labelling yourself ‘gay’ is the risk of ostracising yourself from absolutely everyone by labelling yourself ‘bisexual’. Straight people think you’re a freak and gay people think you’re either lying or sitting on the fence, even if you’re just using the fence to massage your prostate.

So if you’re just a bit gay, what should you do?

The tricky part is finding a partner who’s okay with you exploring the other side of your sexuality. If you’re a guy, you can start by letting your girlfriend try some anal stuff on you and then slowly get gayer and gayer until she’s riding you with a 6-inch strap on and telling you she wants to spit roast you with her boss.

By the way, if you haven’t already done anything to your butt, and you’ve been trying to get your girlfriend to let you put it in her ass, go and sit in the naughty corner please.

NEW RULE, guys: no anal for anyone who’s not prepared to receive anal.