Now that Angelina is Single: A List of Prospective New Partners

By Matilda Douglas-Henry

While Angelina Josie has existed for the past twelve years as the partner of Brad Pitt, it’s important to remember her roots as one of the original queer queens of Hollywood. I don’t know about you, but I reckon their shock divorce is the perfect opportunity for the unbelievably sexy Tomb Raider to queer it up once again. After much consideration, I have compiled a little list of babes who would look very good with her on the red carpet.

Kirsten Stewart 

Can you imagine? I know K Stew is pretty happy with her girlfriend, but perhaps they could open up their relationship for the iconic Angelina. I can just see them at the breakfast table over cigarettes and black coffee, holding hands, connecting over the mutual disasters of Maleficent and Snow White and the Huntsman.

The current queer “it” girl getting romantically involved with her 90’s counterpart would be incredibly exciting. I also reckon the Jolie-Pitt children would find her really cool, and that she’d be a great role model for John (formerly Shiloh) who is already following in the footsteps of their mother in being a queer dreamboat.

Amber Heard 

Amber and Angelina have a lot in common, with both women understanding what it’s like to be queer while married to a very powerful and famous man. Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt hold a similar weight in pop culture, and Heard and Jolie would get each other in ways no one else could.

Their first date? I’m envisioning a very sexually charged glass of Pinot noir at a French winery, followed by a tour of the bedrooms in Jolie’s French chateau.

Beyoncé

My heart will never stop breaking re: Queen Bey’s sexuality, and I will continue to create theories in order to assuage my own personal anxieties about how straight she is. The mere thought of Angelina and Beyoncé having a smooch destroys me. There is almost too much power in that equation.

Bey would no doubt take Angelina on a personalised helicopter tour of NYC, sing her 1+1, and they would pre-emptively adopt a child together.

Jennifer Aniston 

I don’t know about you, but my dream scenario for Jen and Ange’s patchy relationship has always been for them to bond over the general beige-ness of Brad Pitt,  and realise that they are the ones who have been in love this whole time.

They would ironically wear “Team Angelina” and “Team Jennifer” t-shirts, confusing the paparazzi. Then, Ange and Jen would co-write an open letter that describes their decade-long scheme of pretending to hate each other as a social experiment to interrogate the media’s scrutiny of celebrity culture. They would go on to win the Pulitzer Prize in Journalism for this piece, and spend the rest of their days cackling with glee and eating grapes.