Explaining gay sex to straight people
By Roland Taureau
A peculiar aspect of my 30s has been the increasing frequency with which I’ve been probed by heteros as to the ins and outs of homosexuality.
Women and men seem equally intrigued, with uber-bourgeois couples, who’ve had a few too many glasses of Pinot Gris, constituting the main offenders. They confess to ‘never having met that many gay people before’, and embark on an impromptu interrogation as to what our lives are actually like.
Being an outgoing guy with a particular proclivity for talking about myself, I don’t mind so much. But if you’re ever stuck for responses about all things gay, these are the top 5 (1/2) questions you can expect to encounter, with responses provided.
How did you know that you were gay?
Well, everybody probably has a different answer to this. But the red flag usually stems from what you think about when you masturbate. If you predominantly think about having sex with other men, then there’s a good chance you’ll prefer having sex with them in real life too. And if that’s the case, there’s a very good chance that you’re gay.
What does anal sex feel like?
The first time feels like you’re taking a shit backwards and forwards at regular intervals. This makes sense because you’ve inserted something into a place where, thus far in your life, only shit has resided. It can be a little painful or uncomfortable, and can be VERY nerve-racking because it can feel like you’re about to lose the contents of your bowels all over the guy’s dick.
If you manage to get over all that and relax, it feels amazing.
In fact, I recommend you embark on an anal adventure at the first available opportunity.
How do you decide who’s the top and who’s the bottom?
You flip a coin?
Not really.
Well, firstly, not all gay men have anal sex – in fact, according to a 2011 study by The Journal of Sexual Medicine, only around 37% actually do! But who knows? Maybe it’s become more popular in the last 5 years.
Either way, anal sex can be quite a convoluted process, so we gay dudes have managed to figure out a whole lot of other marvellous things to do with our penises in order to avoid putting them in each other’s asses if that’s not our thing.
Having said that, many people swear by anal sex. Which it’s why it’s often necessary to make some decisions. There are many ‘versatile’ couples out there, which basically means that each guy likes to have a go at pumping and pounding until the duo collapses in a heap of blissful exhaustion.
This arrangement isn’t universal, however, with a lot of guys preferring to adopt more steadfast roles within sexual dynamics. Many things might factor into the creation of a dynamic that feels comfortable and natural, first and foremost being communication and negotiation of personal preferences.
Importantly, you should never assume that you know who’s going to want to take on which role. It’s annoying, and can quickly lead to mutual dissatisfaction. While it’s true that you don’t often see a Chihuahua fucking and Great Dane, or a Poodle pounding a German Shepherd, neither is out of the question.
3(1/2) Is it messy?
It can be.
Some guys seem to just naturally have pristine assholes, others require more regular maintenance in the form of douching. Douching is a process that involves incrementally rinsing the anal cavity with small amounts of water until most of the residual shit is gone. Various apparatus have traditionally been employed in this endeavour, from the Cleanstream Double Cleansing System to the Mount Franklin bottle (we’ve all been there).
My friend says he’s bisexual, is he really just gay?
How the fuck would I know?
A person is bisexual until they tell you otherwise. The important thing to remember is that the term ‘bisexual’ might not indicate a 50/50 split in sexual orientation. Some people who identify as bisexual may overwhelmingly prefer heterosexual encounters, but like to dip their toe into the other end of the Kinsey Scale every now and then.
Or vice versa.
Both are fine and should be respected.
What was coming out like?
I love this because it’s always phrased in the past tense, whereas coming out is an ongoing process that gay people have to undergo, because the social default setting is that we’re all straight until we announce otherwise.
Obviously, the big one is when you come out to the important people in your life: usually your friends and family. But it doesn’t stop there. We’re constantly coming out – at work, when we meet strangers, when we make new friends; basically during any and all mainstream social dynamics.
Sure, the latter ones don’t mean as much as that first time, but there’s always a small twinge of awkwardness, the potential for embarrassment and a sense of insecurity that you’ll be judged, stereotyped or treated differently. These things make each ‘coming out’ a little bit uncomfortable.
The way straight people can make it easier is to try to reset that default. Don’t assume you know anyone’s sexual orientation – gay, straight, bi or otherwise – until they tell you.