9 Reasons I Don’t Need Cisgendered Heterosexual Men

By Matilda Douglas-Henry

I have spent very little of my life engaging with straight men (I must stress here that I am referring specifically to the gross, patriarchal, cisgendered man we are all so familiar with. In this day and age, it feels counterproductive to oust a gender identity altogether).

Having a lack of male presence growing up was a battle, so it feels only natural that not only have I now become comfortable with it, but I’m proud of it. Nevertheless, people in queer relationships and circles still regularly face adversity. So I thought I’d set the record straight and reel off a few reasons why ~ I don’t need men ~, and probably never will, at the rate I’m going.

While you read, I suggest you play “Anything You Can Do” from the musical Annie Get Your Gun, because it’s on repeat in my head as I write this (alternatively/perhaps easier to source, The Pussycat Doll’s “I Don’t Need a Man”).

1. Work

Men work, and women take care of the household. That’s perhaps one of the most ingrained gender tropes in history, so for most close-minded bigots, it’s the hardest to shake. There was a big shift in feminist thought when the primary sentiment went from “do exactly as a man does” to “we can do whatever a man does, however we choose, thanks”. As far as a steady pay check goes, I have never had one, but relying on a man in that context, purely for structural consistency, is never going to happen.

2. Heavy lifting

Even though more conservative people are starting to grasp the complex and outlandish concept of feminism, ‘men are stronger than women’ appears to be an ingrained, biological truth that many can’t let go of. But it isn’t so. I live for finessing my upper arm strength. While many men are rushing to a woman’s aid in these situations, please refrain from it. It’s embarrassing.

3. Protection

A lot of men think it’s deeply flattering to become very protective of women in ‘threatening’ situations. It is not complimentary, actually – it’s degrading. As a disturbingly competitive netball player throughout my teens, I learned how to take care of myself.

4. Sex

Not having sex with the opposite sex is a non-stop point of judgement for queer people. This is where stigmas of debasing oneself; of being contrary, depraved and unfamiliar, originated. As far as homosexual sex being ridiculously labelled as ‘disgusting’ goes, that’s typically attributed to gay men. Queer women (much like everything we come up against) are associated with a lack. How do women have sex if a phallus is not there? For those of you who are concerned, don’t worry – we make do. There are tools, too.

5. Babies

I reckon this has always been the primary reason that queer sex concerns so many – that it can’t result in a baby, which is the only reason people engage in sexual acts in the first place. But in this day and age, having children without a man is pleasantly straightforward. Hell, I’m a product of it!

6. Clothes

It’s a daunting question to ask when you get into a queer relationship: “will we end up looking the same?” Scary at first, perhaps – but ultimately, sharing clothes is very cost effective, and can often result in a very strong mutual look.

7. Sport-splaining

I have a passion for the AFL. For a while it was the only real space I enjoyed that was so cis-male dominated – luckily, there’s been a way bigger awareness of women in the AFL as of late. What isn’t so pleasant, though, is a man calmly sports-splaining to me why the women’s league compromises the integrity of the AFL, or that Adam Goodes being booed wasn’t a product of racism. The AFL are, for the most part, incredibly good at raising awareness of homophobia in sport (thanks for that one, Jason Ball), so it’s always such a bummer to encounter a gross, footy-fuelled bro who thinks queer tolerance has nothing to do with it.

8. The arts

“It’s a man’s world”, James Brown kindly reminded us in 1966. It’s a pervasive issue, but is especially profound in the arts – the industry in which I like to do my bidding. There are posters tacked around Melbourne challenging you to name five female directors, and tragically, it’s harder than it seems. I don’t need a man to make the films I love, but we’ll have to overturn the entire industry to even reach a 50/50 gender divide.

9. The public transport spreadeagle

You know the one. Less flamboyantly known as a ‘manspread’, this luxe approach to catching a tram/train/bus means taking up a whole aisle of seats so your crotch is aggressively on display for all commuters to see. What bums me out most about this is it’s my favourite way to sit too.

Bloody men – taking our fun away since the beginning of time.