By James Branson

Exploring the weird side of sex is amaaaazing. Here’s a guide to some oddball sexual fetishes. Some you might know, some you might even like, some might be practised by your parents while you sleep in the bedroom next door…

Agalmatophilia: a sexual fetish involving attraction to statues, mannequins, or otherwise immobile human forms. We guess that explains all those people lining up to take a look at the Statue Of David. Also, For women/gay guys who have a history of bad sex with men who can never keep it up, we can empathise with being attracted to something that actually stays hard. 

See also: Algolagnia (sexual pleasure from pain), Autoromantic (deep sexual attraction to oneself) Asphyxiophilia (sexual attraction to acts of strangulation [hello, Michael Hutchence]), Autogynephilia (love of oneself as a woman).

Crush Fetish: this is a strange one, but it’s been popping up a lot lately. Crush fetishists become sexually aroused by seeing small creatures being crushed by members of the opposite sex. Imagine being asked by your partner to step on cockroaches while he/she jerked off in the corner. Sexy

See also: Celebriphilia (pathological desire to have sex with a celebrity), Coprophilia (sexual attraction to, or pleasure from, human feces). 

Dacryphilia: a fetish involving sexual pleasure in eliciting tears from others or oneself. I could swear each one of my exes had this, because the insults at my performance in bed would often result in a stream of tears. There’s only so many times you can be told that you’re an idiot and ‘that’s not where you put it, moron’ before you get really upset. 

Such a turn on...

See also: Dendrophilia (sexual attraction to trees and other large plants), Diaper fetishism (sexual arousal from diapers).

Emetophilia: sexual attraction to vomit or being vomited on. As in, “So that girl I went home with a few years back after we’d got violently drunk together, who then proceeded to vomit on my chest whilst on top, actually had Emetophilia and wasn’t just completely wasted/disgusted with my body. Good to know.”

See also: Eproctophilia (sexual attraction to flatulence), Exhibitionism (sexual arousal through sexual behaviour in view of third parties)

Faunoiphilia: a fetish in which one derives sexual arousal from watching animals mate. Have you ever seen (or more importantly, heard the sound) of turtles mating? It’s possibly the most disturbing thing we’ve ever seen/heard. Anyone that manages to get turned on by that deserves a prize.  

See also: Frotteurism (Sexual arousal from the recurrent urge or behaviour of touching or rubbing against a non consenting person).

Gerontophilia: Sexual attraction to old people. Nursing homes are otherwise known as ‘brothels’ to these kind of people.

Haematophiliasexual attraction involving blood.

See also: Harpaxophilia (sexual arousal from being the victim of a robbery or burglary), Hybristophilia (sexual arousal to people who have committed crimes, in particular cruel or outrageous crimes).

Idrophrodisia: Sexual attraction to the smell of perspiration, specifically that of the genitals. Eugh, I actually can’t even conceive of anybody finding this attractive. That is seriously, seriously revolting and I definitely have it.

Kleptophilia: A sexual attraction to stealing. I’m hoping that this attraction means that you are turned on by the person you have actually stolen from – in which case, relationships could get really, really interesting.

Steal from me, baby. Steal from me so hard.

See also: klismaphilia (sexual attraction to enemas – giving and/or receiving them)

Liquidophilia: immersing your genitals in liquid – honestly though, who isn’t aroused by this idea?

See also: Lactophilia (a sexual attraction to breast milk, possibly immersing your genitals in it if you also have the condition above)

Menophilia: When people are sexually attracted to menstrual blood.

See also: Masochism (attraction to getting beaten or punished in some way –presumably this generalises to awful things like standing in lines at the RTA), macrophilia (attraction to big things i.e. every woman on earth), mechanophilia (machines), metrophilia (poetry), microphilia (tiny things), morphophilia (particular body shapes or sizes), mucophilia (mucus) 

Narratophilia:  This is a sexual attraction to obscene words – could you imagine how unbelievably fun it would be to have a partner who had this condition?

See also: Necrophilia (sexual attraction to corpses), nasophilia (attraction to noses – Adrien Brody must be the sexual deity of these people) 

Oculolinctus: The term for when people get turned on by licking other people’s eyeballs. I think we can all agree that there are four magic words that are appropriate for people who happen to have this: “Get away from me”.

See also: Objectophilia (inanimate objects), oculophilia (anything to do with the eyes), olfactophilia (smells – life must be a minefield of arousal for this kind of folk) 

Peodeiktophlia: Arousal from exposing one’s penis to other people. The biggest catch 22 of this condition being that once you’ve shown randomly to somebody, they will never, ever want to touch that shit.

See also: Partialism (non-specific body parts), paedophilia (prepubescent children), pedovestism (dressing like a child – a condition I can only assume a lot of men in Sydney’s inner west suffer chronically from), pictophilia (pornography), piquerism (stabbing or piercing another person’s flesh –next time a nurse gets an erection taking a blood sample from you, you can educate them with this flashy new word), pygophilia (buttocks – i.e. every person on earth), pyrophilia (fire)

Retifism: Sexual arousal derived from shoes. I’ve never quite understood the preoccupation of certain females with high heels and the like, but if it is explainable by women viciously masturbating over their collections then I can only approve.

See also: Raptophilia (attraction to rape or possibly consensual rape fantasies) 

Sitophilia: sexual arousal from food. You’re on a date with an amazing new prospect. The conversation is great. They look fantastic. Beneath that outfit it seems as though they have an absolutely banging body. You head back to their place. They have some dessert in the fridge – a tiramisu – and you’re happy to keep those butterflies of anticipation in your stomach for a while longer. They take a spoon out of the drawer and gently scoop up some of that luscious looking cake. Slowly, sensually, they bring the spoon down to their crotch, open up their pants and proceed to spread tiramisu all over their genitals, moaning with pleasure as they do so. 

See also: Spectrophilia (sexual attraction to ghosts), Somnophilia (sexual arousal from sleeping or unconscious people), Schediaphilia (love to cartoon characters)

Telephone Scatalogia: Arousal from making obscene phone calls, particularly to strangers.  If only there were a paraphilia for receiving obscene phone calls from strangers, you could count me in.

See also: Toxophilia (archery), teratophilia (deformed or monstrous looking people), toucherism (touching a person without consent using the hand), tricophilia (sexual attraction to hair) 

Urolagnia: sexual attraction to urine. Who wouldn’t be turned on by urine? It’s a very useful substance. Urine can be, with the right device, turned back into life-giving water. It contains ammonia, which is an effective cleaning agent. It has useful nutrients for drinking. Frankly, a liquid with such amazing properties is a turn on for practical people like us. 

See also: Underwear fetish (should be obvious). 

Vorarephilia: Arousal from the idea of being eaten or eating other people. Usually the fantasy involves eating them whole, in one piece, which is not only weird but also outright physically impossible so I’m inclined for feel desperately sorry for these kind of people.

See also: Vampirism (blood), voyeurism (watching other people while they’re naked or having sex, preferably without their knowledge) 

Weight fetishism: strong or exclusive sexual attraction to overweight or obese people. Having seen the recent statistics on the average weight of Australian adults, most of you better get used to the idea of being turned on by the morbidly obese, otherwise you’re never going to get laid. 

Xenophilia: Sexual attraction to foreigners, which, when you think about it, is a bit of an easy one to satisfy. You literally just have to visit a foreign country and you’d be sopping wet/rock hard for your entire vacation.

See also: Xylophilia (attraction to wood but then again, if you’re not turned on by mahogany there is probably something wrong with you) 

Yellowphilia: attraction to the colour yellow. A friend of mine suffers from this. Whenever she sees the colour yellow she has an unstoppable urge to mount the nearest male. And not just for sexual gratification either – she does it in order to procreate! Currently she has seventy kids. *May have made this one up because there are no sexual fetishes beginning with the letter Y that have any kind of empirical evidence.

Zoophilia: Otherwise known as beastiality, this involves a sexual attraction to animals, which is reprehensible unless the animal in question is a panther because they look equal parts majestic and down for a good time.

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